Taking Back Control (Pain, Rage, Insomnia, Stress)

(PAIN)

...over the past few months I have had my dream come true...and over that same time, that dream has become a nightmare...its honestly been kinda hard for me over the past 3 1/2 months...hearing excuse after excuse as to why the woman i love can't come to see me...and honestly, it hurts...my one fear has come into existence...

i have known her for 5 1/2 years...and i've been in love with her every since...and over that time period, i have dated women who didn't compare...they couldn't keep me emotionally because they never had my heart...she did...she was the reason why i could never fall in love with anyone since i met her...she was the fantasy...everything i desired in a woman...intelligence, beauty, etc...and more importantly...she was able to touch portions of my heart that was unattainable by anyone...

and after 5 1/2 years with nothing to show for it, i felt that i was finally over her...i finally felt like i could move on...until she said that she loved me...that she felt the same way i felt...then all of the emotions i thought were gone came crashing back...now 3 months later, the phone calls are rare...she's busy and stressed....she says she doesn't like to talk to anyone when she's down and out...I tell her that, even though i know talking to me doesn't change the situation she is in...i want to be her momentary escape...if only for a few hours out of her day, i want to be there...i want to have the opportunity to put a smile on her face when she's down all day...i said that if im her man, then thats my job and that she should let me do my job....now, we talk maybe once a week...i haven't seen her since March 22nd...its June 22nd....now over this time, i have told her that i just need to see her....i want to spend time with her...she says she wants the same...but again...March 22nd...June 22nd....she says that she is looking for work constantly and its stressing her out...and in terms of her coming down here, its gone from "i have to get my car straight (in March)"...the same for April...i ask her if im going to see her in May...its now June, nearly July...she has her car fixed, but now that she does, i hear from her less...im tired of reaching out so i think im going to have to let go...

the thing thats really frustrating me is that EVERY cat that she has dealt with has either gone to jail or cheated on her...so she has always had fucked up relationship...and here i am...ready to give her everything she claims she wants in a man, and she is shitting on me the way the other cats did her...in the process of writing to get my mind off of the b.s. i stumbled on a poem i wrote 3 years ago called CHOICES, Part 2.....and in that piece it described everything im going through right now with her...sort of like a prediction...because it was also about her and i getting together 3 years before we got together...it warned me about everything im going through right now...then i stumbled on this film called DIARY OF A TIRED BLACK MAN....and it spoke so much to what im going through...it inspired me to write a poem called BAGGAGE...in that piece, i spoken on how a woman talks so much about how much baggage she has bc of past relationships...and it helped me come to the realization that i, too, have baggage....whereas her baggage is past relationships, my baggage comes from constantly having to fix the mess they left behind, meaning...im having to prove myself to a woman when i haven't done anything wrong in the first place...i have to prove that im not the man she used to date...but in the process im receiving all of the effects of the insecurities the last guy left...and im TIRED....im tired of always having to prove myself...i feel like everything that is happening to me is like a sign that i should've never gotten with her....because all i want to do when i sit in think about it is cry...


(RAGE)

i have a roommate situation where just the sound of the door opening and my roommate comes in makes rage consume my heart...i really can't deal with this cat anymore...i have spells where i black out bc of the rage and anger i have inside of my heart for this cat...my rage is so strong that it affects my vision...sometimes it has happened while driving...and im trying my best to not blow up...

(INSOMNIA/STRESS)

With the pain in my heart...the rage in my heart...its hard for me find a peace of mind...my soul is uneasy...to the point where i can no longer sleep....for the past month and a half, i have slept (on average) 4 hours of sleep per night...and my level of stress is so high that im getting sick again like i did before i went to the emergency room last spring...i have to literally try and calm my spirit down to try and get some rest...which is a battle for me because im losing touch with my spirituality...the one thing in my life that has brought me so much peace and balance...im slowly but surely getting back rooted into my spirituality...but i have gotten so uprooted that its hard to come back to the source...in all honesty...with every emotion i feel in my heart and spirit...all i can do is cry...

with all of that said...i don't have a peace of mind anywhere: work (bc i know i want to be in school), home (because i only feel rage towards my roommate), and in my "relationship" (im in love with a woman who says she loves me, but her actions do not prove it)...therefore i can't sleep...

im praying more times a day than a Muslim...each time with tears in my eyes...and i know that God hears me...i know that the ancestors are here to keep me strong...but i feel so weak right now...

im thankful for the friends that i have, PA and otherwise, because they really don't know how much it means to have them in my life...they are the only peace i can find right now...