(PAIN)
...over the past few months I have had my dream come true...and over that same time, that dream has become a nightmare...its honestly been kinda hard for me over the past 3 1/2 months...hearing excuse after excuse as to why the woman i love can't come to see me...and honestly, it hurts...my one fear has come into existence...
i have known her for 5 1/2 years...and i've been in love with her every since...and over that time period, i have dated women who didn't compare...they couldn't keep me emotionally because they never had my heart...she did...she was the reason why i could never fall in love with anyone since i met her...she was the fantasy...everything i desired in a woman...intelligence, beauty, etc...and more importantly...she was able to touch portions of my heart that was unattainable by anyone...
and after 5 1/2 years with nothing to show for it, i felt that i was finally over her...i finally felt like i could move on...until she said that she loved me...that she felt the same way i felt...then all of the emotions i thought were gone came crashing back...now 3 months later, the phone calls are rare...she's busy and stressed....she says she doesn't like to talk to anyone when she's down and out...I tell her that, even though i know talking to me doesn't change the situation she is in...i want to be her momentary escape...if only for a few hours out of her day, i want to be there...i want to have the opportunity to put a smile on her face when she's down all day...i said that if im her man, then thats my job and that she should let me do my job....now, we talk maybe once a week...i haven't seen her since March 22nd...its June 22nd....now over this time, i have told her that i just need to see her....i want to spend time with her...she says she wants the same...but again...March 22nd...June 22nd....she says that she is looking for work constantly and its stressing her out...and in terms of her coming down here, its gone from "i have to get my car straight (in March)"...the same for April...i ask her if im going to see her in May...its now June, nearly July...she has her car fixed, but now that she does, i hear from her less...im tired of reaching out so i think im going to have to let go...
the thing thats really frustrating me is that EVERY cat that she has dealt with has either gone to jail or cheated on her...so she has always had fucked up relationship...and here i am...ready to give her everything she claims she wants in a man, and she is shitting on me the way the other cats did her...in the process of writing to get my mind off of the b.s. i stumbled on a poem i wrote 3 years ago called CHOICES, Part 2.....and in that piece it described everything im going through right now with her...sort of like a prediction...because it was also about her and i getting together 3 years before we got together...it warned me about everything im going through right now...then i stumbled on this film called DIARY OF A TIRED BLACK MAN....and it spoke so much to what im going through...it inspired me to write a poem called BAGGAGE...in that piece, i spoken on how a woman talks so much about how much baggage she has bc of past relationships...and it helped me come to the realization that i, too, have baggage....whereas her baggage is past relationships, my baggage comes from constantly having to fix the mess they left behind, meaning...im having to prove myself to a woman when i haven't done anything wrong in the first place...i have to prove that im not the man she used to date...but in the process im receiving all of the effects of the insecurities the last guy left...and im TIRED....im tired of always having to prove myself...i feel like everything that is happening to me is like a sign that i should've never gotten with her....because all i want to do when i sit in think about it is cry...
(RAGE)
i have a roommate situation where just the sound of the door opening and my roommate comes in makes rage consume my heart...i really can't deal with this cat anymore...i have spells where i black out bc of the rage and anger i have inside of my heart for this cat...my rage is so strong that it affects my vision...sometimes it has happened while driving...and im trying my best to not blow up...
(INSOMNIA/STRESS)
With the pain in my heart...the rage in my heart...its hard for me find a peace of mind...my soul is uneasy...to the point where i can no longer sleep....for the past month and a half, i have slept (on average) 4 hours of sleep per night...and my level of stress is so high that im getting sick again like i did before i went to the emergency room last spring...i have to literally try and calm my spirit down to try and get some rest...which is a battle for me because im losing touch with my spirituality...the one thing in my life that has brought me so much peace and balance...im slowly but surely getting back rooted into my spirituality...but i have gotten so uprooted that its hard to come back to the source...in all honesty...with every emotion i feel in my heart and spirit...all i can do is cry...
with all of that said...i don't have a peace of mind anywhere: work (bc i know i want to be in school), home (because i only feel rage towards my roommate), and in my "relationship" (im in love with a woman who says she loves me, but her actions do not prove it)...therefore i can't sleep...
im praying more times a day than a Muslim...each time with tears in my eyes...and i know that God hears me...i know that the ancestors are here to keep me strong...but i feel so weak right now...
im thankful for the friends that i have, PA and otherwise, because they really don't know how much it means to have them in my life...they are the only peace i can find right now...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Another Ally Monday
We have been asked to write a brief blog entry on "the day in the life of an Ally," and so I thought I'd hop on here and tell y'all what my day has been like so far.
I work at YO:Durham (Year of Opportunity for Durham Teens), where I coordinate career internship placements for our program participants, all at-risk high school students between 15 and 17 years old. This morning I have a follow-up site visit with one of our students who is a senior GED student at Durham Tech. She is working directly under one of the department managers at BlueCross & BlueShield of North Carolina, and has been doing a stellar, professional job. From the very beginning of her placement her supervisors began discussing the possibility of hiring her full-time upon completion of her internship. Needless to say, this follow-up visit, which I do for every intern about 1 month after the initial entrance interview, is pretty short and painless. I sit down with the student and her supervisor and we go through the goals we'd set at the entrance interview, making sure that she is progressing on each of them and that the student-supervisor relationship is going well. I take a couple of photos of the student at her desk and with her supervisors, and then head back to the office.
After logging my mileage and a quick email check, it is time to head up to the City of Medicine Academy, where five YO:Durham students attend high school. The YO:Durham staff is buying them all lunch (Chick-Fil-A) so we can meet with them to discuss their academics and their progress in the YO:Durham program components (mentorship, internship, service-learning). We cram into a small conference room and break out the chicken sandwiches and fries. It is a pretty rowdy bunch--we spend most of the time joking and laughing, and the check-ins happen on the fly in the last 5-minutes before they have to run back to class. All of these students are pulling good grades and are showing up for their internships, so we had no major issues to talk about, anyways.
After stopping by the guidance office to pick up their report cards from last semester, we all head back to the office again, where I begin catching up on emails and processing a few time cards that came in by fax over the weekend. This is a big part of my job: making sure all of the interns get their time cards in on time, along with the required journal entry for each pay period. If either of these is missing, the student cannot get paid on time, and this sometimes causes "issues" (the students nicknamed me Mr. OG on the first day, and I fear I've gradually lived up to my name...). For the student interns, this is a taste of the real world of work, and over the past several months they have been slowly getting used to filling out a time card and knowing when the pay period ends so they can get it signed and faxed on time. They like getting a paycheck every two weeks, and so this has been a good motivator.
Right now, I have a pretty slow afternoon until 4pm, when I will be meeting with another student and her guardian to discuss now we can support her through the upheaval of changing foster homes. After that meeting, I will probably head home at around 5...
I work at YO:Durham (Year of Opportunity for Durham Teens), where I coordinate career internship placements for our program participants, all at-risk high school students between 15 and 17 years old. This morning I have a follow-up site visit with one of our students who is a senior GED student at Durham Tech. She is working directly under one of the department managers at BlueCross & BlueShield of North Carolina, and has been doing a stellar, professional job. From the very beginning of her placement her supervisors began discussing the possibility of hiring her full-time upon completion of her internship. Needless to say, this follow-up visit, which I do for every intern about 1 month after the initial entrance interview, is pretty short and painless. I sit down with the student and her supervisor and we go through the goals we'd set at the entrance interview, making sure that she is progressing on each of them and that the student-supervisor relationship is going well. I take a couple of photos of the student at her desk and with her supervisors, and then head back to the office.
After logging my mileage and a quick email check, it is time to head up to the City of Medicine Academy, where five YO:Durham students attend high school. The YO:Durham staff is buying them all lunch (Chick-Fil-A) so we can meet with them to discuss their academics and their progress in the YO:Durham program components (mentorship, internship, service-learning). We cram into a small conference room and break out the chicken sandwiches and fries. It is a pretty rowdy bunch--we spend most of the time joking and laughing, and the check-ins happen on the fly in the last 5-minutes before they have to run back to class. All of these students are pulling good grades and are showing up for their internships, so we had no major issues to talk about, anyways.
After stopping by the guidance office to pick up their report cards from last semester, we all head back to the office again, where I begin catching up on emails and processing a few time cards that came in by fax over the weekend. This is a big part of my job: making sure all of the interns get their time cards in on time, along with the required journal entry for each pay period. If either of these is missing, the student cannot get paid on time, and this sometimes causes "issues" (the students nicknamed me Mr. OG on the first day, and I fear I've gradually lived up to my name...). For the student interns, this is a taste of the real world of work, and over the past several months they have been slowly getting used to filling out a time card and knowing when the pay period ends so they can get it signed and faxed on time. They like getting a paycheck every two weeks, and so this has been a good motivator.
Right now, I have a pretty slow afternoon until 4pm, when I will be meeting with another student and her guardian to discuss now we can support her through the upheaval of changing foster homes. After that meeting, I will probably head home at around 5...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
We Wear the Mask
We Wear the Mask
by Paul Laurence Dunbar
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To Thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
by Paul Laurence Dunbar
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To Thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Why You Should Completely Read Your Email/Headache
Ok, so number 1: Im starving. To the point where im irritated. But anyway. Im reading the email sent to me about the blog, but i didn't read it thoroughly. Now I have a Blogger account that i will not use, but can't get rid of because i don't know to cancel it. I believe they make things like that difficult. It specifically stated that i should just fill in false information. (tantrum): i dont want to! I want to close it now!
Number 2: Never Let anyone take you away from a good thing. So after our training this past Friday, I attended an event held by the Public Administration department. The Durham County commissioner was there. (atleat i think that who it was) Anyway, they had many people from the community and various organizations talking about the plight of the community. It was a discussion about the issues and what can be done to counter them. It was very informative. It was also a chance to network.
So, I saw a few familiar faces, which was cool. And the new faces were people I was trying to become familiar with...I'm sitting there...taking in everything. Then I saw this lady get up and leave.
Now, this lady. For some reason, i have always had a bad vibe about her. Its something about the energy she brings...or maybe my energy and hers don't mix. But i have seen her around campus over the past few years in passing. We have never really spoke to one another. Which for me is strange because i tend to speak to everyone, or atleast try. And i know you should not base someone's personality on the way they look, because they may be having a bad day, but.....SHE ALWAYS LOOKS SO MEAN! Kind of intimidating. Like if i would go and say hi, which i have once before, she would just cut her eye at you. Now that I think about it...i had a class with her. Anyway.
So she leaves the room for like 15 minutes. Then comes back in. Before i continue, i have to say that there were close to 30 people in the room. Im all the way in the back at the other end of the table. Why did that same lady i don't know, nor does she know me, asks me to come outside really quick. Interrupting my learning. But i go outside. Then there is a Campus police officer outside waiting for me. So now im really wondering what the hell is going on.
The officer then asks me if he could talk to me for a second because he needs my assistance. Im like "sure." He then proceeds to tell me that he is in the MPA program and is having a problem with his accounting homework and wants to know if i can help him.
(WHAT?!) Im saying to myself, "you pulled me out of a meeting for this bull?!"..."this is your damn homework! I don't know you!" "Leave me alone!"
Keeping all of those comments to myself, I obliged him, thinking it won't be too long. Before i continue. The meeting started at 6pm and ended at 8pm. I got pulled out at 645. Im thinking "715 at the latest, i will be back" Then came 720...730...and im like "what the hell?!" and all that time was just on 1 word problem! His butt is taking online courses when he needs to be in the classroom. So im having to explain things to him like i was a tutor or a professor. Nevermind the fact that i haven't had a math class in like 6 years. I was always pretty good at math but i had to dig deep. Hence the headache.
But again the brother was humble and he looked like he needed help. So i stayed. However, i left my things in the conference room where the meeting was held, thinking i woulc be back. So i go back to the conference room to get my things. Everyone looking wholly satisfied with the information i was trying to saturate myself with. But Nooo...i couldn't do that because im being too nice. Ran into a cat from freshmen yr who showed up after i left and everything. But i could stay and talk to him because i had to go and continue to help dude downstairs. The cat that i ran into from back in the day was always a cool brother. We both were studious of Malcolm X. However he was the NOI Malcolm and i was the OAAU Malcolm. But anyway, he spoke of this tape that i let him borrow back in '03 (which he still has by the way...negating the fact that he was supposed to give it back to me...point 1: make sure you get your things back from people in a timely manner) However, the subject of the lecture was more along his speed than mine. So, him saying that that particular lecture opened his mind and to a point were it hasn't been closed since, i took it as a blessing. And i was thankful God put me in a position to do that.
But after we exchange contact info, i went back to help old dude out. Got back to the car and we were still working on that one problem. Then an APB came out on his radio. Someone's car died and they needed a jump. The officer had a portable jump box in his back seat. Im thinking: "this is my chance to get out of dodge. After the officer gets off the radio, he says: "they are just going to have to wait, because this (his homework) is more important." WHAT?!?!?! This cat is on the clock doing homework. Now, people do that, but a police officer?! Now i really stuck.
Now its about 830. (mind you, i started helping him out around 645) And i finally got him to understand the word problem. Thinking that its over, i get my things together and proceed to get out of the police car. Then he says: "And this 2nd word problem is killing me too" and im starting to say (to myself): "no, YOU'RE killing ME!" so then we started working on that one. Taking forever.
Then another APB comes out. Someone smashed a window and broke into a car like 100 yards away from the police vehicle that he and I were sitting in. Im thinking: "ok, he HAS to leave now."
This guy then gets out of his car...stands up and attempts to peer up the hill in the middle of the night to see if he sees anything. So now im really getting pissed off. Thats why campus police are damn near worthless. They don't want to do what they're supposed to do.
Finally, common sense sets in and he decides that its finally time to get back to his job that he was on the clock for while he was doing homework.
With all of that said. I should have just lied and said i couldn't help him. It would have saved me the headache...im getting one just thinking about it. Missed all that good information and only received a headache in return...
Number 2: Never Let anyone take you away from a good thing. So after our training this past Friday, I attended an event held by the Public Administration department. The Durham County commissioner was there. (atleat i think that who it was) Anyway, they had many people from the community and various organizations talking about the plight of the community. It was a discussion about the issues and what can be done to counter them. It was very informative. It was also a chance to network.
So, I saw a few familiar faces, which was cool. And the new faces were people I was trying to become familiar with...I'm sitting there...taking in everything. Then I saw this lady get up and leave.
Now, this lady. For some reason, i have always had a bad vibe about her. Its something about the energy she brings...or maybe my energy and hers don't mix. But i have seen her around campus over the past few years in passing. We have never really spoke to one another. Which for me is strange because i tend to speak to everyone, or atleast try. And i know you should not base someone's personality on the way they look, because they may be having a bad day, but.....SHE ALWAYS LOOKS SO MEAN! Kind of intimidating. Like if i would go and say hi, which i have once before, she would just cut her eye at you. Now that I think about it...i had a class with her. Anyway.
So she leaves the room for like 15 minutes. Then comes back in. Before i continue, i have to say that there were close to 30 people in the room. Im all the way in the back at the other end of the table. Why did that same lady i don't know, nor does she know me, asks me to come outside really quick. Interrupting my learning. But i go outside. Then there is a Campus police officer outside waiting for me. So now im really wondering what the hell is going on.
The officer then asks me if he could talk to me for a second because he needs my assistance. Im like "sure." He then proceeds to tell me that he is in the MPA program and is having a problem with his accounting homework and wants to know if i can help him.
(WHAT?!) Im saying to myself, "you pulled me out of a meeting for this bull?!"..."this is your damn homework! I don't know you!" "Leave me alone!"
Keeping all of those comments to myself, I obliged him, thinking it won't be too long. Before i continue. The meeting started at 6pm and ended at 8pm. I got pulled out at 645. Im thinking "715 at the latest, i will be back" Then came 720...730...and im like "what the hell?!" and all that time was just on 1 word problem! His butt is taking online courses when he needs to be in the classroom. So im having to explain things to him like i was a tutor or a professor. Nevermind the fact that i haven't had a math class in like 6 years. I was always pretty good at math but i had to dig deep. Hence the headache.
But again the brother was humble and he looked like he needed help. So i stayed. However, i left my things in the conference room where the meeting was held, thinking i woulc be back. So i go back to the conference room to get my things. Everyone looking wholly satisfied with the information i was trying to saturate myself with. But Nooo...i couldn't do that because im being too nice. Ran into a cat from freshmen yr who showed up after i left and everything. But i could stay and talk to him because i had to go and continue to help dude downstairs. The cat that i ran into from back in the day was always a cool brother. We both were studious of Malcolm X. However he was the NOI Malcolm and i was the OAAU Malcolm. But anyway, he spoke of this tape that i let him borrow back in '03 (which he still has by the way...negating the fact that he was supposed to give it back to me...point 1: make sure you get your things back from people in a timely manner) However, the subject of the lecture was more along his speed than mine. So, him saying that that particular lecture opened his mind and to a point were it hasn't been closed since, i took it as a blessing. And i was thankful God put me in a position to do that.
But after we exchange contact info, i went back to help old dude out. Got back to the car and we were still working on that one problem. Then an APB came out on his radio. Someone's car died and they needed a jump. The officer had a portable jump box in his back seat. Im thinking: "this is my chance to get out of dodge. After the officer gets off the radio, he says: "they are just going to have to wait, because this (his homework) is more important." WHAT?!?!?! This cat is on the clock doing homework. Now, people do that, but a police officer?! Now i really stuck.
Now its about 830. (mind you, i started helping him out around 645) And i finally got him to understand the word problem. Thinking that its over, i get my things together and proceed to get out of the police car. Then he says: "And this 2nd word problem is killing me too" and im starting to say (to myself): "no, YOU'RE killing ME!" so then we started working on that one. Taking forever.
Then another APB comes out. Someone smashed a window and broke into a car like 100 yards away from the police vehicle that he and I were sitting in. Im thinking: "ok, he HAS to leave now."
This guy then gets out of his car...stands up and attempts to peer up the hill in the middle of the night to see if he sees anything. So now im really getting pissed off. Thats why campus police are damn near worthless. They don't want to do what they're supposed to do.
Finally, common sense sets in and he decides that its finally time to get back to his job that he was on the clock for while he was doing homework.
With all of that said. I should have just lied and said i couldn't help him. It would have saved me the headache...im getting one just thinking about it. Missed all that good information and only received a headache in return...
2009 Triangle MLK Day of Service- Dalia Santos
This is my second year as a Public Ally and as the coordinator of the Triangle Martin Luther King, Jr. Day of Service. Being an Ally pushes you to explore your talents and use those talents for service. I could not be more pleased with the results of the 2009 MLK Day of Service. A big thank you to all the dedicated volunteers! Please check out the video to learn more.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Jamilla at the Inauguration
Click on the title to see 2nd year Ally Jamilla's photos and stories from last week's historical event!
http://columbus2dc.blogspot.com/2009/01/jamillas-final-photos.html
http://columbus2dc.blogspot.com/2009/01/jamillas-final-photos.html
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